Web Page Copy Critique: Hear it, blow-by-blow, for 90 minutes (for free)

Paulie Sabol is a friend of mine and quite an accomplished seminar promoter and Internet marketer.

He's giving a seminar next month I'll be speaking at. So when he asked me to critique the sales letter Web page on a live teleseminar, I felt compelled to give him a warning:

Paulie, don't expect me to be polite and praising. If I find something wrong with the page, I won't mince words.

Paulie said he expected nothing less and gave me the green light to "have at it."

I did!

In the opening screenful of this long, elaborate sales letter, I found four -- count 'em, four -- major errors, with:

• The prehead (also known as the "kicker") ...
• The language on the logo ...
• The first testimonial quote ...
• And even, with Paulie's own picture!

And that was only at the beginning of the letter.

Paulie was a good sport about it and posted all 90 minutes of our conversation, in four convenient segments, on the Web.

Normally I only do critiques for my premium mentoring clients, so this is a rare opportunity to hear me get down and dirty.

Here's the link: http://www.davidgarfinkel.com/critique

If you'd like to see the Web page I'm critiquing: http://www.davidgarfinkel.com/page-I'm-critiquing

Note: Even though I found dozens of areas for improvement, Paulie and his teammates are such good marketers that they have already sold out the 500 person event. 

As of last night there were maybe a dozen seats left.  So this is not a sales pitch... in fact, you'll be lucky if you can get in at this point. 

But it is a terrific real-world lesson in copy that works... and even how good copy can always be much, much better. 

I would attribute the success they had with this copy to their relationship with their prospects/buyers and the fantastic offer they made on the page -- and, as flawed as it was, the copy was still pretty good.

Check out the critique here.

David Garfinkel
Publisher, World Copywriting Newsletter

Comments

[Judy Kettenhofen]

Hi David,

Perhaps I'm a bit too late, or I'm not looking in the right place...but when I go to the page you say is the page you critique, and start to listen to the critique, you refer to "attn" -- but I don't see it on the page ("find on page" doesn't find it either.)
So...it's a bit dismaying to want to listen to the critique but without having the copy that existed as you critiqued it.

Thanks!

Judy

[David Garfinkel]

Judy -- I have good news and bad news for you.

The good news is that since the day that critique "aired" live, Paulie has actually made the changes I suggested! For someone who doesn't always get the follow-through he would like from copywriters, this is great news!

The bad news is the old page has disappeared into history. You MIGHT have be able to see what it looked like if yout go to the Way Back Machine (archive.org) but for some reason it doesn't show up there, either.

Judy, I'm sorry. The only solution I can offer for the future is to show up for my teleseminars on time! :)

David

[Judy Kettenhofen]

Well, David...
It's a blog, blog, blog, blog world.
Just maybe (hint!!!!) if you'd made a blog post about the teleseminar beforehand, I would have made it! :)
I am dutifully signed up to receive email notification of your blog posts (do you have something against RSS feeds ?)
Blogs (feeds, especially) have such a seductively high signal to noise ratio, plunging thru one's emailbox in search of gems seems such a waste of time... :)
Look forward to seeing you next month...

Live JoyFully!

Judy

[David Garfinkel]

Ah, Judy, Judy, Judy...

If it were only that simple.

Perhaps you could sign up for the World Copywriting Newsletter (there's a link in every single blog post -- but for your immediate convenience, it's at www.copynewsletter.com -- and if you already are signed up, then be sure to whitelist it, and if you are and you have, then make sure you read it! :)

To announce the critique both in my newsletter and on my blog would have been overkill, since there's overlap between both readerships and the blog in my world / constellation serves a slightly different purpose.

So my tendency is to announce events via the newsletter in advance, and then post news and links about events past in the blog.

That keeps more subscribers happy, although I freely admit as I wince that it didn't keep you happy this time.

But I have to wonder if you aren't already an email newsletter subscriber of mine.

Here is why. I am puzzled.

On Tuesday, August 14 at 7:54 pm Eastern I sent out my first notice about the live critique Thursday, via the World Copywriting Newsletter.

On Thursday, August 16 at 11:40 am Eastern I sent out a last-minute reminder of the critique later that day.

I know it's a bother for you to go through your email inbox -- "such a waste of time... :)," as you put it in your comment, but...

... and here, specifically, is why I am puzzled...

...on Thursday at 2:46 p.m. Eastern, 3 hours after I had mailed the second notice to my newsletter subscribers and about 5 hours before the live critique was about to take place, the seminar promoters sent me an email congratulating me that one "Judy Kettenhofen" had "signed up with us as a result of your referral."

Is that you?

Or, is this your evil twin... you know, the one who reads emails without fully taking in time and date information? :)

It seems like you knew about the event in advance, Judy. Because otherwise, how could you have signed up as an affiliate to promote it under my affiliate link?

So now, come to think of it, I am curious as to how technically valid your concern about not being notified in advance is, in fact, is...

Thank you,
David

[Judy Kettenhofen]

Mea Culpa!
It's a testament to how highly I value your newsletter that I saw it at all amongst the vast wasteland that that email account has become.
Since I barely visit it, I missed the alerts, so perhaps I should become an honest woman, unsub from your newsletter at that account and only watch your blog. :)
No? That's not what you meant? :)
See you soon.